On July 1st, we officially made it to the "6 Month" mark of living in Germany.
We've often heard that "the first 6 months are the hardest", so getting to that point was long anticipated.
6 Months.
So...now that it's passed, what has all of that 6-monthy-ness been to me?
First, let me be honest: they have been hard. Really, really hard.
Don't get me wrong - my life is awesome and I love it. Really, I do! I mean, I am living the dream of soaking up Europe, which is so-dang-cool. If cultural/historical richness were equated to dollars, Germany would be a ba-jillionaire, and we live here, right smack-dab in the middle of all of the greatness that is Germany.
It. Is. Awesome.
The adventures we've been going on have been one-of-a-kind, lifetime memories, things we'll look back on for the rest of our lives.
Yeah.
You should be jealous.
But, between those adventures lies - guess what? Day-to-day life. We all live it. And in all honesty, day-to-day life has been hard. Transitioning from a busy life filled with well-known friends to a life where you have more than enough time and almost no friends - that's a hard transition. For anyone.
There have been some days I've struggled feeling useless and guilty. I've had more time on my hands and less commitments than I've had since probably 5th grade, but I struggle finding ways to make use of that time in a meaningful way (hence the "useless/guilty" combo). Not to mention feeling guilty that I feel like things are hard, because I have everything, physically that I need, a great family, and a wonderful life. I also have been more socially isolated than I have ever been in my entire life. Not easy. I've been lonelier than I knew I could feel.
But you know what? I don't want to forget what that feels like, because I've gained a lot from it.
In an attempt to remember these experiences and also to help anyone that may be going through the same situation, I'd like to share what made day-to-day life during these first 6 months hard for me, and what helped me get through it, and what I've learned so far in that process.
So - here's about how it went:
Month 1: January
Arrival, not lonely yet, googley-eyed at all of the newness of the world around me, happy and content, as each day is a new adventure. Bakeries abound. Even going to the grocery store feels adventurous.
Month 2: February
Newness starts to wear off and I realize how alone I am. I try to communicate with others, but it's cave-man German, and...yeah. It's rainy and cold and dark. I am with the kids all day, in a tiny little house. Normally I would just seek out friends that we could visit and swap play-dates with, or find indoor playgrounds and activities to do. Except I don't have any friends, and well...there ARE no other children. Kids age 2 and older are in preschool/kindergarten until about 3 pm. Anytime before then, playgrounds, indoor play-places, libraries, etc, are either closed or deserted ghost-land.
Coping methods: We get creative at home, doing "school", art projects, a lot of wrestling. The kids are becoming better friends with each other, because all they have is each other, which is actually beautiful to see. Other than that, I am still in denial that I need to make fundamental changes to cope with my life transition. I kind of just look forward to weekends and evenings.
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| Bridger and Juniper, enjoying each other |
Hard days. The loneliness really hits hard as I make the realization that, although I have made some social connections, nobody that I am friends with actually needs me. Feeling needed is a must for me, and when I realize I am not currently needed by anyone except for my children and husband, I bawl my eyes out. I was so, so down-trodden.
BUT I have hope for the future. After a month of being turned-down, we've amazingly secured a spot for Bridger in a preschool (starting date: August). We're finally getting ready to move into our permanent apartment for our stay here. I am determined to be more outgoing and make connections in my new neighborhood.
Coping Methods: When it's not raining, I go OUTSIDE, even if it is cold. I reach out to others I am acquainted with, and sacrifice anything to make getting-together possible (travel distance, nap time, etc.). I try to find ways to serve others, and write to friends and family at home, probably a little too much :)
Month 4: April
I feel excitement about our new apartment (we moved in April 1st) and changes in the weather. Determined to make new friends, I try connecting with people in the park, only to realize that, although it's coming along, my German is still very limited. UGH. Not being able to communicate freely often leaves me feeling like I can't be myself, which is suffocating and restricting. But I am determined not to give up.
Coping Methods: Now that we're in our own place, I also make a greater effort in inviting other people over to our house. THAT is fun. Birthday parties, people for dinner, etc., get people onto our turf, and let them know that we care.
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| Berkley, performing infallible magic at Bridger's birthday party |
Month 5: May
Language is finally starting to come around...and summer is around the corner. I make some connections in the area (finally!!) and am excited about it. We go to parks, we enjoy the Rhine, I decide to start training for a 1/2 marathon, but Bridger still has very few friends. He's stopped trying to play with kids at the park, after being shut-down repeatedly. He is resilient, but often plays by himself, which is completely unlike him and heartbreaking.
Coping Methods: I've decided to chuck my pride out the window in social situations. Can't figure out how to say what I want to? Laugh, and break into English if I need to. I've also decided that I HAVE to have friends I can communicate with, without reserve, so I focus more effort on getting together with English-speaking friends. This provides much-needed social relief.
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| Kids, "helping" mop the floor. Yes, that's dirty mop water in Juniper's hair... |
Everyone...EVERYONE leaves for vacation. All of my friends. I am left on my own for about 3 weeks. I reach out to people and make a few new friends, but nothing that feels concrete or enriching. My German class has also ended for the summer, which means I don't even have that as a break during the week.
Coping Methods: I stay busy with the kids, who are loving summer and dirt and sand and water and all that comes with it. Yay for fun kids :)
I also plan for and look forward to vacation time.
I run in the mornings along the Rhine and discover a few, hidden little spots that give me the illusion that I am away from the city. It provides relief.
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| Collecting rocks along the Rhine |
Everyone comes back from vacation - RIGHT as we leave for Berlin for a week. Berlin is awesome, but upon arriving home, I realize that I am extremely socially starved. I try starting to write this blog post, but as I write about how difficult the first 6 months "were" for me, I realize that the loneliness that I thought would be gone is still alive and well. I have a good, hard cry, and decide to come back to it again another time.
But THEN - something magical happened.
I then have a great week. People reach out to ME almost every single day, and each time I have fun, laugh, the kids have a blast, and I realize that these people actually appreciate me. They were all just on vacation for a month. I feel valued.
**This was a HUGE turning point**
By the end of the week, we were scheduled to go to England for 10 days, and for the first time since we moved, I realize that I am actually going to miss my friends and that I am excited to come home after it was all said and done.
Also HUGE.
PLUS. PLUSSSS: I am feeling like my language skills are finally at par. I practiced a lot of German with strangers while everyone was gone. I can communicate with people. I can do it well enough that they often launch into conversation that is way beyond my ability level, and I have to tell them that I am still learning. Their incredulity that I've only lived here for 7 months is a confidence booster. Yay for moving past cave-man talk.
SO NOW...
...it's been almost 8 months, and am I still adjusting? Absolutely. Are there still difficult days? Of course. Do I still long for deep friendships? Yes. But it's not as frequent or intense. We're getting there, and I've now been here long enough to see the real progress that has been made, both socially, and language-wise, which gives me real, tangible hope that things will continue getting better.
So - other than what's mentioned above, what was helpful amidst the loneliness? How did I cope? What were things that gave me satisfaction?
#1: German Chocolate.
No. Just kidding. Well, maybe not. The chocolate is amazing here.
BUT REALLY - Here are some things that have helped:
Focus on the Present: During a particularly hard evening, after lots of tears, I got some good advice that I needed to focus on the present. I was so socially hungry that the first thing I did every morning was check my email to see if any of my friends from home had emailed me overnight. When I didn't get anything, I felt crushed...which happened more often than not.
But, after that, I started to focus my daily communication on people here - emails or texts to friends, invitations, etc. I still wrote to friends from home, but not so much.
Make Daily and Weekly Plans: Some of my hardest days were days that I had no plans. But if I took just a small amount of effort to plan ahead for the week - even if that plan was "stay home Wednesday morning" - I felt better. But also get out in the community. Look up events. Find new parks. Plan. I also made plans for personal goals or desires I have for myself, physically, spiritually, and intellectually.
Involve Others in My Plans: Make invitations. Get out. Meet people, and make plans RIGHT when you meet them if you feel like you click. Become an inviter, even if you've never been one before. You may have to step out of your comfort zone, like...a LOT...but you'll be better off for it.
Talk to Anyone I Can: In an effort to immerse myself in "ALL THAT IS GERMANY!! WOOO!" I had a plan that I would do all that I could to make friends with Germans. When I lived in Brazil, I was surrounded by Brazilians, and I developed a deep love for them and their country. I had this vision with Germany, and I was afraid that if I engaged too much with Americans, I would get sucked into an ex-pat bubble and miss out on my German experience.
I realized, however, that I am in very different circumstances here, and that while my efforts to make friends with only Germans were made with good intentions, I needed a mixture of social engagement. So - I stopped being so afraid of American friendships. I now talk to anyone that I hear speaking English at a park, even if it ends up just being small-talk, because that's important to me too. I also introduce my German and American friends, which is fun too.
Be Patient:
This is a hard one. But you just have to do it. Be patient with the language. With budding friendships. With your kids. Your spouse.
Yourself.
Transition just takes time, and that would be the case whether we were living in Germany, Timbuktu, or Chicago. So, try to stay positive, focus on future hopes, and make goals to get there.
Cling to Family: Laugh at your kids. Enjoy the time you have with them. Pray for extra patience. Seriously, my happy, fun kids have kept me sane and happy myself. Even on the mornings I woke up feeling so alone, as soon as they were awake and playing, the whole world brightened up.
Savor time with your spouse. Laugh at the funny stuff, and laugh when you realize that the biscuits were made with baking soda and not baking powder. Be honest with each other and love will increase.
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| Life really is beautiful |
You know...I am not sure I can accurately answer that question right now, because I still feel like I am too much in the middle of my situation to see it clearly. And I am still trying to implement the points made above in my own life, as needed. But yeah...Give me a couple of years.
But I will tell you that I have learned how important my family is to me. My kids are funny, and smart and teach me soooo much. Berkley is...one of a kind. We're having great adventures together, and my family is totally my #1 priority right now. And I have the time for that, which rocks.
I've learned how invaluable a supportive spouse is, who listens and listens, and listens some more, and then always manages to make me laugh.
I've also learned empathy for people who are in a new country where they don't speak the language. NEVER again will I avoid saying "hi" to someone that doesn't speak great English, just because it might be awkward. Bad, lame, terrible excuse. Everyone needs someone, even if communication isn't perfect.
I've learned that sometimes, you just really, really need to cry it out. Even if you're not pregnant. And that's okay. And you feel better afterward, with more energy to approach your situation with a plan.
I've learned that I can do hard things, and I hope that these experiences will prepare me for future challenges.
So - life is beautiful. And hard. Life can be beautiful and hard at the same time. You can be happy, and also struggle, at the same time. You can be lonely, but also feel joy, at the same time. Those feelings, though sometimes difficult, are what make me a deep-feeling, life-loving person. I just hope that I can continue to make the most of it.
